


colors.

by zoombles



Series: evan hansen's soulmate. [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, F/F, M/M, Soulmate AU, also jar and alana are qpps, i just write angst when i have shitty emotions, kind of not really, this isn’t happy. at all., vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 18:53:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14796059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoombles/pseuds/zoombles
Summary: Evan Hansen has been able to see colors since kindergarten.Evan Hansen last saw his soulmate in third grade.Evan Hansen doesn’t know what’s happened to his soulmate.Evan Hansen suddenly knows what happened.





	colors.

**Author's Note:**

> ill give another warning: this fic is full on fucking angst.  
> tw for mentions of connors suicide  
> please refrain from reading this fic if you want anything happy. this is not the fic for you.

Evan Hansen had known his soulmate since kindergarten. His soulmate had left in third grade.

He didn’t remember most of his childhood. It was just a blur of useless facts from school and a handful of things outside of it.

He remembered that day, though. The first day of kindergarten hadn’t faded from his memory in twelve years.

He’d walked into class, Ninja Turtle backpack hanging from his shoulders, and glanced around the room. He didn’t know anyone. That scared him.

Well. He knew one person. He knew Jared. But Jared wasn’t there yet.

He didn’t know when it happened. He just remembered the things he saw changing from black and white to colors, which immediately overwhelmed him, and he started crying. 

He stayed in the counselor’s office for the rest of the day, except for lunch. A girl approached him where he was sitting with Jared at lunch. Brown hair tied in braids and heterochromatic eyes. She had asked him if he was okay. Then asked if he saw the colors too.

That was his soulmate. They asked to be called Jay in second grade. Evan had asked if they were a boy, but had been through was Jared went through. Jared was a boy, but everyone thought he was a girl until he was four. Jay had said they didn’t know.

In the last week of third grade, Jay had walked up to Evan in tears, their hair cut to their shoulders sloppily, with uneven bottoms. They had told him that their parents yelled at them, said they were a girl. That their parents were going to homeschool them. That they wouldn’t see Evan, maybe not ever again. 

That’s what had happened. He hadn’t seen his soulmate since third grade.

He’d never gotten their last name, their address, their phone number. Up until the end of eighth, Evan spent hours at night clutching the only photo he had of Jay, tears streaming down his face, wishing he’d figured out anything about them beyond their name. 

Evan tried to pretend that he knew who his soulmate was in high school. Then everyone split off to hang out with their soulmate. 

That just left the people who hadn’t met them yet hanging out with each other. Or, in Evan’s case, the people who had lost their soulmates hanging out with no one. 

He had tried to find anything on Jay, anything that would help him find them again, to no avail. 

Even Jared had found his soulmate, or, one of them? He said that he still couldn’t see certain colors. Alana had found both. Jared was her platonic soulmate, and they were QPPs. Zoe Murphy was her girlfriend, and romantic soulmate. Two soulmates wasn’t uncommon. 

Some people’s soulmates changed. Like Evan’s mom. She’d found her first soulmate, then it just went back to black and white one day. Normally, that meant that someone’s soulmate had died, but she had been looking straight at him when it happened. 

She hadn’t found her new soulmate yet. Her world was still black and white. 

Evan didn’t like to imagine going back to a black and white world. At least while he could see colors, he could pretend he knew his soulmate still. 

At the moment, his heart was racing. He was sitting in Dr Sherman’s office, tugging at the bottom of his shirt. 

“You lost your letter?”

“Yes,” Evan lied. He could still remember Connor’s glare at him right before he stormed off with the letter. “I was rushing off the bus, and- and I guess my bag wasn’t zipped, and it must’ve fallen out, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Evan. Why don’t you tell me what you can remember from it?”

In that moment, Evan decided to ignore what he had written at the end of the day. He recited what he could remember from the letter he wrote that morning, before his mom had interrupted him. 

As soon as the session was over, Evan rushed back home, desperately sending messages to Connor’s Twitter account, begging him to just give the letter back the next day. He was blocked after five messages. 

He resorted to calling Jared. At least he had a friend— family friend to talk to about this. 

But it didn’t help. Jared spent most of the call making jokes about his letter being a sex thing, or how Connor was crazy, or how the letter was going to ruin his life. 

Evan’s vision went black and white at 9:47 PM.

He was still on the call with Jared. The jokes stopped when Evan went silent, covering his mouth as tears streamed down his cheeks. 

“Evan?”

“Colors.”

“What?”

“The colors— Jared, the colors are gone, the colors are gone, they’re gone, Jared!”

“Shit. Shit, soulmate colors?”

Evan only managed a nod. He was glad it was a video call. 

“Fuck.”

“I haven’t seen them in nine years, I can’t contact them, I don’t know if it’s just changed or if they’re dead!” 

“Evan. Evan, calm down. How have you not seen them in nine years? He goes to our school. You saw him today.”

“Jay left the school in third grade!”

“And came back in fifth! I thought you guys had some fucking fallout over something, I thought that was why you never talked!”

“If they came back in fifth grade, why’d I never see their name on the roster! Why haven’t I talked to them!”

“Because their name was changed to Connor, Evan! Your soulmate is Connor fucking Murphy! I thought you knew this!”

Evan froze. 

Connor Murphy. 

No wonder he was so hurt by Evan talking about Zoe in his letter. No wonder he got so angry. 

He wasn’t dead. He’d explain everything to him tomorrow. 

Or, whenever Connor came back to school. A day passed, then another. Three days and Connor wasn’t at school. 

Then he was called down to the office, face to face with Connor’s parents. 

“Connor took his own life.”

The words made Evan’s blood run cold. 

He couldn’t explain things if Connor was dead. He couldn’t explain. 

Evan was going to dinner at the Murphy’s tomorrow. 

He went home early that day, blamed it on an anxiety attack, what he always blamed it on. It wasn’t truly a lie.

He made it a few steps inside his house before his legs gave out. Tears streamed down his face as he collapsed on the ground. 

He didn’t move. He stayed there until his mom got home. 

“Evan?”

“Jay’s dead.”

“...Your soulmate, Jay?”

Evan nodded. 

Heidi kneeled, grabbing Evan around the chest and holding him close. 

Evan thought he was out of tears. Turns out he wasn’t. 

He sobbed. His world felt like it was falling apart, everything felt wrong, everything felt awful. 

Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy. 

Evan Hansen’s soulmate, Connor Murphy.

**Author's Note:**

> total pages: 4  
> total words: 1131.  
> total characters: 6214. 
> 
> sorry.


End file.
